First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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