Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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