A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
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Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
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I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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