Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
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You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
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So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
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