this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
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He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
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He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
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