I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
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We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
My ass is underappreciated
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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