I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
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The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
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After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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