Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
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I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
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Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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