I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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