we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
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He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
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I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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