i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
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it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
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did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
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