whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
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