i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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