you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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