just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
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The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
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Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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