i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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