Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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