I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
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I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
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There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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