Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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