totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
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i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
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We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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