We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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