A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
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did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
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I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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