I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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