he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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