I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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