I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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