i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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