I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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