my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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