I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
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I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
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it is shots o' clock and I am never late
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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