I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
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I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
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Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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