dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Sorry about my life...
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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