I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
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I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I did not marry a roomba.
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