i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
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He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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