Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
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There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
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Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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