I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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