I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
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Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
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Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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