Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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