Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
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I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
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For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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