I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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