If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
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i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
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Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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