I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
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Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
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You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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