I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize