It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
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Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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