Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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