I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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