well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize