What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
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You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
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It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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