Are we in a gay sports bar?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
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i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
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You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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