Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
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i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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